Should you lie to a pregnant woman?

I recently bumped into an old school friend of mine.

I say bumped into – what I actually mean, is that I 'failed to avoid her' in Sainsburys.

I’m not being a cow, as she is absolutely lovely. I just don’t like bumping into people in the supermarket full stop. I always look like sh&t, I’m usually harassed, and I hate the thing that happens AFTER the initial conversation. Whereby you bump into each other in EVERY aisle and have to giggle politely, as if it is just soooo hilarious that you should both be in need of tinned tomatoes at the same time.

Anyway….it turned out the ‘friend’ in question was up the duff. She was sporting an annoyingly neat bump and the kind of nieve pregnancy glow that one can only associate with a first time Mum.

Of course I smiled broadly and asked all of the obligatory things:

‘When are you due?’ (zzzzzzz.)

‘Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?’ (zzzzzzz.)

‘Have you said goodbye to your vagina?’ (not really)

‘Is the Dad on the scene?’ (I’m a nosy bit^h).

At this point I attempted to look lovingly at my son, who was eating a banana without removing the skin. I hoped it would reassure her that I have no regrets, and that being a Mum is just freaking awesome. ALL the time.

Then she started asking questions. I hate it when expectant mothers do this, because even though I actually have a child, I still don't know much. PLUS I'm not really the 'rose tinted glasses' type, and might not be very reassuring. Therefore, I did what I always have to do... I put on my game face and lied….

‘Don’t be scared of labour. It’s not THAT bad, and once it’s done you forget all about it’ (In reality I still cross my legs at the memory).

‘Lack of sleep? No it’s not TOO bad. You get used to it really quickly’ (HA. I am still fu^&*ng knackered and he’s 2 and a half).

Then she hit me with an unusual question…. One that I’ve not been asked before:

‘I’ve got my first ante natal class tomorrow….I’m a bit nervous actually. What were yours like?’

I considered my response carefully.

If I were to be honest I would probably say the following….

‘Terrifying really… Essentially a lot of heavily pregnant women get squeezed into a small room, and made to sit on chairs not suitable for their current size. They will generally spend most of the time looking round at the other women, and working out who looks least fat (pregnancy does not exclude you from female judgement).

You will:

-              Be shown graphic diagrams of poo…I never quite worked out why. Don’t be frightened by the colour or the distasteful comparisons to certain foods.

-              Be shown how to breastfeed a doll ‘DO NOT TOUCH THEIR HEADS’ (I dropped the doll on the floor and its eye came out which was awkward). Apparently there is one way to do it, and if you don’t do it right your baby will starve (they didn’t say that but it hung on the air)

-              Watch a birthing video. Personally I found the video bit to be the worse. The combination of soft lighting and moaning had a distinctly pornographic air to it. Plus the obvious sweaty, naked aspects, made it resemble the feeling of watching a sex scene with your parents. Hideous.

-              Learn Relaxation techniques to use during labour. (snort). In my class they made us hold our hands in the air for a minute whilst thinking about what we were doing (uncomfortable), then do the same again, but this time think about being on a beach (still uncomfortable). The midwife suggested this could help you in labour. Having been through it since, I would strongly suggest she f*ck off.

-              See a collage of pictures. I have consulted friends about this, and they have confirmed that they too had these on the wall of the room. A pre-requisite perhaps?  The pictures of tiny babies in the arms of beaming parents, candle lit birthing pools, and tiny feet were quite sweet I suppose. However, these were somewhat ruined by a stonking great picture of a womans arse that had a head coming out of it….yes, that’s right. Out of her ARSE. No one told you about that did they?

-              Finally, you can guarantee that one of the participants (almost always a father to be) will try and crack jokes the whole time. I presume this to be an act of nerves due to fact that he’s actually shitting himself about impending fatherhood (as he rightfully should be). Therefore he is probably trying to deflect his feelings with humour, and thus acting like an absolute bell end.

It was all there on the tip of my tongue.

But then I looked at her pretty, expectant face, and decided to tell my 10^th lie of the conversation.

‘Yeah they were good. You get some good tips and stuff’.

She looked relieved.

‘Well Bye then’ she said sweetly.

‘Good Luck!’ I said. And I meant it – after all, she’s in for quite an amazing ride. One where she will change, grow, laugh, cry, and ask the same question as every new mum…

‘WHY did no-one tell me the truth about all this?’