Is it just me or has anyone else noticed the mystery that is ‘the disappearing soap kids’?

Every single parent in these shows seems to swan round doing whatever they bloody well like, without so much as a Thomas the tank engine rucksack in sight.

‘Drinks at 7’? Why not . . . (the kids have disappeared anyway)

‘Lunch in the café’? Sure, I have nothing else to do, (and my kids have disappeared.).

‘Getting hot and sweaty with the milkman on your sofa?’ Abso bloody lutely (after all, my kids have ACTUALLY disappeared!)

I find this form of false advertising quite despicable, after all, my kid never disappears despite the fact that I religiously pay my TV license.

 To be fair, sometimes the producers must remember the kids, and think ‘aaah yes, she gave birth didn’t she . . . we’d better pop the kid in a scene or 2’. Perhaps they could sit aimlessly on the sofa like some sort of plank, until someone tells them to go upstairs because there is about to be a punch up over an illicit love note was discovered.

Of course I KNOW that soaps aren’t actually real. Where I live there are very few fires, car crashes, or baby thieves in the midst. However, I do feel that something this basic should be factored in. After all, presumably they are paying these child ‘actors’. In fact, they more than likely earn a better salary than I do, which grates on me a little. After all, I too can look forlorn whilst clutching a teddy bear.

It seems that what happens is that when a character gives birth it is a really big deal for a few weeks, and then the little bundle just DISAPPEARS, apart from the rare appearance of a parent pushing it along. Once, and I SWEAR this is true…I saw a male character pushing a buggy that was presumably supposed to be his daughter. He had her because her Mum had dumped her on the doorstep (as you do) and told him she needed to go and ‘find herself’. But from certain angles you could actually see that there was no child in it. I realise that most of these characters aren’t renowned for their intellectual prowess, but surely even they can feel that the buggy feels awfully light and that possibly something, or should I say someone, is missing?

In fact, the only time you really see the kids is when there is a big drama going on. If the writers decide on a big custody battle for example, then the kid will be everywhere for a few weeks. Both parents suddenly remember the existence of the child and decide that they care very much about them indeed. Until the day after the court hearing, when whoever gets custody just gives them a big cuddle and shoves them back in their room for a year.

The other key times when the little ones come out of the woodwork is when:

- We don’t know who the Daddy is (on account of his mum being such a ho bag)

- There is a big fire where the child is trapped inside. It started because Daddy was depressed about his spiralling gambling addiction and drank a bottle of whisky before lighting his fag. (which rather begs the question, ‘How have people even remember they live there?’)

- They have to make a speedy exit in the middle of the night. Speedy exits NEVER occur in the day, and I wonder if this is partially because no one knows where the child actually is, whereas at night, presumably they are in bed. In this scenario the child looks dazed whilst being shoved into a padded jacket and having a rucksack forced onto their shoulders. They are told ‘everything will be okay’ by loving parents. (I suspect the children in question look so confused in these scenes, because they don’t actually recognise Mum and Dad).

Yes, somewhere in these soaps is a VERY busy babysitter. Or maybe they have some kind of resident super nanny that makes all the kids play upstairs very nicely without making a sound.

OR, and I think this more likely, the writers have discovered what we all know. Kids just aren’t that interesting.

After all, who wants to see the resident glam girl reduced to a pyjama wearing, leaky, sobbing mess? (just me then). Do we really want story lines discussing potty training? Or the fact that little ‘lulu’ is having a moody phase? Probably not.

Was I more interesting pre-child? Yeah Probably. 

So maybe the writers of these shows are simply telling me what I already know. Kids might look super cute, but as a general rule, they aren’t particularly interesting a lot of the time.