What happened to all the Ladies?

What happened to all the ladies?

The other night was my monthly ‘Girls night out’.

I say monthly, but in reality it’s more like quarterly due to various bumps in the road. Including things such as, chicken pox, my husbands working hours, or an equally catastrophic ‘fat day’.

Anyway, on this particular occasion nothing had managed to stop me, no matter how hard I searched for excuses. So it was that I found myself, at 8pm on a Friday night, perched on an uncomfortable stool inside a terribly trendy bar. My hair was freshly blow dried, my shoes were of the non-practical variety and my bag was too small for carrying snacks and nappies.

That’s right – it was party time.

I had ordered a white wine spritzer, which I presume from the look on the confused bar girls phase, was something of a social faux pas, and began to let my hair down. It wasn’t easy to relax, as I was persistently distracted by things I wouldn’t have even noticed pre-motherhood.

These included;

- The resurgence of crop tops (seriously…who wants to avoid either breathing or sitting down all night?)

- The amount of people taking selfies with no apparent embarrassment whatsoever. (Pouting is the new smiling don’t ya know).

- The fact that people laughing now sounds worryingly like my child crying (What the HELL is that all about?)

But the main change in my nights out since becoming a Mum, is in my need to visit the toilet every half an hour. It’s bad enough normally, but when combined with alcohol it increases to ridiculous frequencies. So much so that I often find people looking at me suspiciously, like I may have a sneaky drug habit or something.

I wouldn’t want to spoil the air of mystique by admitting it’s actually weakened pelvic floors, so I usually try and look extra happy when I emerge from the loo for the 6^th time, and hold my head high as I walk past the groups of people nudging each other and looking in my direction.

However, on this particular night, it was a different kind of problem I encountered. One that I have decided simply cannot go on. I may actually start a campaign…

‘Just going to the loo’. I said to my friends as I tottered off for the first time since my arrival (17 minutes prior).

Only, when I got there, I was greeted by 2 identical doors, both bearing italic writing that I attempt to decipher.

Am I senor or a senora?

The pressure was overwhelming.

You often hear of people on quiz shows saying it looks much easier at home when you have nothing to lose, but when standing in the spotlight the perspective is somewhat different. It was exactly like that …IF I was wrong I risked the embarrassment of walking into a row of mens arses, and the inevitable sniggers from everyone else in the bar. BUT I had to go….

What ever happened to a good old fashioned ‘ladies’ and ‘mean’ type instruction. You knew where you were with these – didn’t have to give it much thought before you went in to go about your business. Nowadays, it’s all pictures and codes.

-          Am I stiletoe or a boot?

-          Is that a picture of a woman in a trouser suit or slightly effeminate man?

-          Am I a Hen or a rooster, a pig or a sow, a lipstick or a screwdriver???

Seriously, who needs this after a few drinks? I want a wee, not a pub quiz.

Luckily, at that moment a man walked up and entered the senors door, considerably slashing the odds of my potential embarrassment. Unless he was some sort of toilet haunting perv, I could now be reasonably sure that the other door was the correct choice.

I entered and breathed a sigh of relief at the lack of urinals. I could hear a woman crying, and there was no sign of poo on the floor so all would seem to indicate I was indeed in the ladies.

It had been a close call, and I fear it can only be a matter of time before I get it wrong.

Therefore, I would make a polite request to the owners of these establishments, and perhaps even the toilet sign makers themselves (if indeed such a person exists) to stop this insanity and save me from future embarrassment.

Just a simple ‘Ladies’ and ‘Men’ will suffice.

Thanks.