TOP 10 THINGS MY ANGEL (SNIGGER) HAS SAID....

Every parent, (and I do mean EVERY parent,  unless your actually perfect, in which case this blog is SO not for you), has a pre conceived list of stuff that they say they won’t do with their kids. You know the type of thing…’ooh no I would never just shove them in front of the telly. I would do paper mache with them, and teach them about different types of wild flowers’.

Fast forward to the time they are 2 and you are in tears because peppa pig has another chuffing ad break whilst your trying to catch up on celeb gossip. Or, perhaps you said you wouldn’t use food as a bargaining tool? ‘They’re either hungry or they’re not…I won’t be pandering to any fussiness. No way’….but then you find yourself waving chocolate wrappers in their face, and pleading that if they eat just 2 spoonfuls of goulash they will be rewarded with double the amount of fat and sugar. You become concerned that they will become mal-nutritioned, or worse still, the neighbours will smell the sugary scents wafting off them and KNOW they didn’t eat their vegetables. Poor little neglected souls.

In fact, since becoming a mother, I barely recognise myself in the way that I behave is so totally at odds with how I thought I’d be.  And number one at the top of that list is banging on repeatedly about my kid. What he said, what he did, how it was so cute when he said my hair was ‘lovely’ (he wanted me to get off the laptop ) or how he has now learnt to count to 10. In fact, I am so pathetically obsessed and institutionalised by our own little world that I had to start an actual blog in order to speak like an adult.

Don’t get me wrong. I am SO not one of those Mums who thinks their kid is perfect. In fact, quite the opposite…he’s really quite a little s^It a lot of the time. Buuuuttt I’m actually even prouder of his rudeness in some bizarre way. When he tells me ‘to get out’, ‘leave him alone’, or that I have a ‘big bum’, my heart positively melts. ‘I made him’ I think beaming with pride…and rush off to phone his Dad and announce what our little cherub has said this time.

So feel privileged, grateful, and stifle those yawns, as I present you with the top 10 things my kid has said so far….

Stuff my 2 year old child has said

-          ‘I need some SPACE mum’ (when I asked him for a kiss)

-          ‘No you do NOT love me Mummy. You do NOT’ (when I told him I loved him)

-          ‘Nanny stop POOING (when my mum exits the toilet. I have to hold my hands up to encouraging this)

-          ‘What have you got for me then?’ (to the bewildered post man clutching a handful of bills)

-          ‘I just want you to go home’ (to his ultra patient swimming teacher who dared to ask him how he was. I am confident she goes home and tells everyone about the vile child she teaches, and how his poor mother has no control).

-         ' I’m counting my bogeys' (When I asked him what he was drawing)

-          ‘Is daddy gorgeous?’ I asked….'eeerrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmm NO' he said confidently.

-          ‘I just want to come downstairs. I just want to be friends Mummy. Oh please I just want to STROKE you. Mum? Mummmmyyyyyyyyy. LET ME STROKE YOU!! (After he had been put to bed)

-          ‘That’s my Daddy’ (to a random man in the supermarket who categorically was not his father)

-          ‘This one is big. This one is small – it’s my favourite’. (About my boobs when we were in the bath. I now have a complex).

That’s right. My child is the devil. But I wouldn’t have him any other way.