Anyone fancy a work out?? (No. Me neither)

I know it's the 4th January, but I still can't seem to decide when to start my new year...

 

By start my new year, I do of course mean stop living like a sloth. Throw out the leftover chocolates, mince pies and turkey (I know I know I'm an appalling example of womanhood with a filthy fridge and low standards. In fact, it's probably flown off by itself by now)

 

As I am typing I am cramming entire chocolate oranges in my mouth. as if in hope that once they are all gone I really can 'start afresh' and get that bikini body by the time I go on holiday in May (for the record I haven't had the bikini body I've been after since I was 14). I think I'll start 'officially' on Monday, which gives me 2 days to finish the food without guilt or shame.

 

That's right people, from Monday EVERYTHING is going to be different. Not only am I cutting out sugar, white carbs, alcohol, and limiting my caffeine intake (not difficult), but I am going to start working out again! In fact, I've just opened up my gym drawer and LOOKED at the spandex outfits which is only one step away from putting them on, and two steps away from actually wearing them whilst exercising. As it stands I don't really fancy wearing them in public at the moment so instead, I'm going to do what all self respecting (deluded) women do in January and use a fitness dvd in the comfort of my own home. I will perform said work out at LEAST 4 times a week, and keep this up for the whole year. (snort).

 

My plan is virtually fool proof and I can already feel my abs tightening (nb I don't actually have any abs / anything resembling stomach muscles but you can't see me so just imagine if you will). There is only one teeny tiny flaw I'm aware of....I have a bit of an issue with workout dvds and am struggling through the list on amazon to no avail. They seem to fall into 3 general categories.

 

- 10 minute ones. These of course sound massively appealing, but really....10 minutes? I can't imagine that's going to do the trick at all. I'm not trying to add definition I'm trying to half the size of my arse.

- Hi Tech ones. With dwindling fitness levels, and the attention span one might expect from a mother of a small child, I'm not sure these are for me at all. I am naturally a quitter (I know I should stop bigging myself up) and don't want to set myself up for a fall, either literally or metaphorically speaking.

- Celeb ones. The notion of celebrity fitness dvds actually wants to make me be a bit sick. It's such a contrived ghastly market, that I really don't want to pay into......

 

It always starts in the same way, some non entity of a ‘celebrity’ is pictured at an obscenely unflattering angle, looking like a sausage, and wearing a string bikini / crop top / lycra etc. They are almost always running or bending over, which is what arises the suspicion. I mean, what right minded woman who has a few surplus stones on her would be seen:

 

a) wearing something so unforgiving, and

b) doing  actual exercise OUTSIDE where people can SEE you…..

 

Said picture always appears in papers and magazines, presumably sold / set up by some immoral talent agent. Celebrity is ‘mortified’. 3 months later they are on the cover of the same magazine in the same outfit, looking like an orange lollipop and grinning like a fu^&!!"g hyena. ‘LOOK AT ME NOW’ screams the headline, if I can do it you can do it too’. The interview with celeb reads the same who ever they are ‘I am so much happier, and I have so much energy . . especially in the bedroom (chortle) wink wink nudge nudge’. The article is accompanied by a diet plan which includes food (unlikely) and pictures of them doing  various squats and leg lifts, all accompanied by the promise that this could be YOU, if only you could put down the biscuits and stop being a lazy wench.

Then, 6 months later the celeb is back AGAIN, usually 2 stone heavier than they were in the original fat pics. The headline screams ‘This is who I am and I am even happier now’. Celeb admits they were starving themselves to be so thin (no sh%t Sherlock) and were fainting 10 times a day on the treadmill, until one day their agent got really worried about them (i.e this thin thing had stopped bringing in moolah) and they needed to take better care of themselves (i.e visit multiple burger vans).

 

So....all things considered, I think I'm going to go for a Davina one. Yes, technically she's a celebrity, but not a moronic one. Plus she has the kind of body that I would LOVE but doesn't look totally unrealistic.

 

I'll let you know how I get on. Wish me luck.