Why are you shagging a kit kat?

 

 

I take only a few things in life particularly seriously.

Top of this rather limited list is the people I love. Closely followed by the shoes on my feet, and finally… food.

I can’t cook by the way. Hence the fact that this blog is all about the’ yacking on’ rather than a delightful array of recipes for you to lovingly cook your family.

Don’t get me wrong, these food blogs are pretty impressive. They make me feel both hungry and inadequate in equal measure. Judging from the vast array of celebrity chefs, best-selling cook books, and obsession with contestants on that ‘bake off’ thing, there is clearly a market for people who are in to the idea of making their own food.

People who tear recipes out of magazines, have spices in their cupboards and can distinguish choux from filo.

But I am not one of them.

You certainly won’t catch me ever giving out tips on creating a ‘super speedy but delicious dinner’ I accidentally conjured up with only half a tin of beans, some honey, and a bag of rice flour I had handy.

I don’t cook because I can’t be arsed...

and because other people do it much better so I may as well eat their stuff instead.

I don’t bake either, which is a bit anti Mum I suppose. My child is probably suffering greatly over my shortcomings. I did once make some nice flapjacks, but it turns out the ones in sainsburys are just as good. Plus they are cheaper, and don’t involve me greasing tins and stuff.

Sometimes my husband asks why I’ve brought 3 tubs when he watches me unpacking the shopping. I usually lie and say they are for a coffee morning at Nates nursery…Ha! As if. I never go to those things. Why bother trying to make friends, if it means sharing my flapjacks?

Once I tried to tell him it’s  ‘just in case we get unexpected visitors’. But he called my bluff as we both know this would NEVER happen.

This is largely because:

a)      My friends know I hate surprises of any form (control freak).

b)      That as a result of the above, they would likely be greeted with a frosty look of disdain for having interrupted my ‘me’ time. (For the record, my ‘me’ time is ANY time that I haven’t expressed a specific desire to see someone at a given place or time).

So… when I say I take food seriously, I really mean that I take ‘eating’ seriously. For example I am not one of those people who would ever get to 2pm and say:

 ‘Oh goodness. Silly me…I TOTALLY forgot to eat breakfast AND lunch today’.

Seriously, how can you ‘forget’ to eat? It’s like wondering around in your pants all day, wondering why your legs are cold. Ludicrous.

IF I baked I would have put a nice picture on here for you, but seeing as I don’t I've used my child instead.

Sharing is for losers.

Anyway, the actual point of this post is really to vent one or 2 frustrations I have encountered recently regarding the way other people eat. My 2 year old son (see above) would put a lot of them to shame.

Therefore, if the way they are eating is annoying me, and presumably if they are eating and I’m with them, then I am eating too….then they are disrupting my eating pleasure, which causes me massive offence.

Below, I have compiled a list of the worst crimes I can think of.

Top 10 annoying things about the way people eat

-          Those who shag chocolate. Ranging from gentle licking of a twix, to unwholesome nibbling of kit kats, to downright fellation of mars bars.( Just eat it freak).

-          People who say ‘mmmmm’ a lot when enjoying something. Often accompanied by a giggle. (Do you need some alone time?).

-          Talking with your mouth full. (Did your mother teach you nothing?).

-          People who eat REALLY slowly and cut their food in teeny weeny  perfectly digestable pieces. (We are going to be at this table all night at this rate).

-          People who mix all their food into one big mushy pile. (What are you 5? Want me to get a blender for your din dins?).

-          Dieters who eat everything ‘low fat/GI/Sugar’, seemingly totally oblivious to the shite it’s been replaced with, whilst simultaneously drinking a cup of tea with 3 sugars. (if you’re not losing weight, there might be a non-slow metabolism reason).

-          People who leave loads left on their plate telling you how full they are and smirking self satisfactorily about their teeny weeny appetite. (WOW good for you. I bet your amazing in bed too).

-          People taking food off my plate without asking (Are. You. Serious?).

-          People asking to take my food, leaving me with no other option but to be rude or angry. (usually angry as I have good manners).

-          People asking to go halves on things then not divvying up accordingly. (I’M WATCHING that spoon bit!h).

Feel free to add to the list if you think of something else annoying. And if you’re someone I know, and have a sneaky suspicion I’m talking about you…then chuffing well STOP it.

Right…I’m off to eat a sandwich.