What do you call a Willy?

I was sat in the pharmacy waiting room today, when something shocking happened.

No, the receptionist didn’t pronounce my name correctly (sean, sinead, siobahn, sharna etc), I didn’t collapse, and my child didn’t sit still and read a book nicely.

I was sitting next to a woman with 2 young ones happily minding my own business, when I was distracted by them.

One of the children seemed to be having an issue with his bollocks and was squirming uncomfortably.

‘What’s wrong Godwin? His mother enquired. (No, his name is not the shocking part)

‘Is it your PENIS?’? She asked unashamedly (and exceptionally loudly).

I winced slightly and actually felt quite sorry for the poor little tyke. I don’t think anyone else in the surgery really needed to know about his downstairs issues. But what really got me thinking was her use of language.

I recently read an article about how children turn up at primary school with varying inabilities ranging from shitting their pants to still believing in Santa at 5 (not the done thing anymore apparently). However, the writer of the article seemed to take particular offense to children not knowing the correct wording for their ‘bits’.

Apparently it leaves them wide open to ridicule, and presumably some kind of psychological complex when they discover that their ‘pee pee’ is actually a ‘penis’.

Personally, I hate it when people use the correct terminology full stop.

As discussed previously, I have some prude like tendencies that leave me vulnerable to extreme discomfort when people are too….’open’ shall we say. In fact, words such as ‘scrotum’ or even ‘breasts’ make my eyes water.

I know, I know, I should get some kind of therapy to find out whats going on...

It was actually one of the things I was most grateful for when I found out I was having a boy.

After all, ‘willy’ is a word I can just about muster. If I’d had a girl, I would be bang in trouble.

What on earth do you call it??

‘Bits’ sounds a bit vague.

The one starting with F and rhyming with Nanny just sounds so weird, like you might be referring to an aunt.

‘Beaver’ or indeed ‘Muff’, seem distinctly age inappropriate for a child. Imagine taking them to the doctors and explain about ‘beaver’ issues.

Then of course you have the actual name….vag... (I literally can't do it), which I can hardly say, despite the undeniable fact that I am in fact in possession of one myself.

Hardly trips off the tongue does it?

Therefore, I have made the firm decision that ‘willy’ will have to do just fine, until the time requires otherwise.

For example, if he’s 16 or so and has a serious girlfriend, I may check that he actually knows what everything is called, when I have the birds and the bees chat. Of course, if he prefers another term then that will be his business.

Although, on that note, I do strongly recommend to any male readers not to name it anything human – us girls tend to find it a tad unattractive.

As for what will happen if I have a girl – I just don’t know. I'll have to come up with something pretty and vague.

Oh…and apologies if I’ve in anyway offended anyone faint hearted but I did call this post ‘What do you call a WILLY?’ So the clue was kind of in the title.