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14.2.14

The top 10 LIES about valentines day

 
 
Yep, it’s that time of year again...
Hidden in amongst a rainy and depressing February, there is a glimmer of light on the horizon.
A day of pure love, romance, and smug coupled up people flaunting their happiness to the world.
The day is of course Valentines Day.
Now, if your worried that I may be losing my cynical edge, fear not readers. I am not about go all mushy and start talking about the wonders of true love, and how it completes me on every level.
Nope, instead I wanted to write this post to clear a few things up…
Firstly. I think valentines day is shit.
I have come to this conclusion from my years of experience…I’ve had despondently single ones, happily single ones, happily in love ones, and now my first married one is here.
Frankly, whether your ‘coupled up’, or 100% single, it’s all Bollocks.
And if you don’t believe me, check out my top 10 LIES about Valentines Day:
 
-          All Couples are Loved up. Categorically not true. The only ones who feel this way are the ones who are in the ‘honeymoon’ phase and don’t actually KNOW each other. Mark my words, if you see a supremely happy couple all over each other at the dinner table, they have been together less than a year. OR, he has got her very drunk.
 
-          Woman LOVE ‘cute’ presents. No we don’t. Unless we are under the age of 16 and into One Direction. ‘Cute’ means ‘tacky’, and ‘tacky’ means ‘SHIT’. This includes teddy bears, fake flowers, heart keyrings, and mugs that say things like ‘snuggle bum’.
If you want to buy us a present then make it useful or expensive.
 
-          It’s the perfect day for a first date. It’s not. Wherever you go, people will assume you are a couple, and the pressure will be overwhelming. Do you bring a card? Flowers? AWKWARD. Just save yourself the bother (and the increased prices) and do it the day after.
 
-          If someone fancies you, they will buy you a card. False. I’m not sure people even buy cards anymore, they would probably just ‘whatsapp’ you or some other equally grand gesture.
Or,  If your really lucky they might ‘snap chat’ you a picture of their privates. I think it’s fair to say that traditional romance is on it’s way out.
 
-          Random sh^t becomes sexy. Since when was a bondage teddy a turn on?
Or cheap fluffy handcuffs for that matter? It’s all rather disturbing really. The retail giants have obviously decided that if they combine cute (for us ‘air head’ women), and sexy (for the men) then they can sell this utter crap by the bucket load.
As in ‘Here look at this cuddly red devil…does it give you the horn? Grrrr baby’…WTF??
 
-          All couples do the wild thing. Myth.
A bit like the myth that all couples ‘do it’ on their wedding night. Simply not true. Besides, there is nothing less sexy, than being told by Clinton cards what you should be doing in bed on any particular day.
 
-          If your other half forgets it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It sort of does actually.
At least this is what I told the hubster last year when he I reminded him at 10pm the night before, only to be told ‘oh bollocks. I forgot’.
My exact words were along the lines of; ‘if you can’t be arsed to buy me a shitty card and pick up a pen to write something nice, then you obviously don’t love me at all. You are a wank.head’ and off I went to bed.
Just because I think valentines is stupid, doesn’t mean I don’t want a card (double standards are my thing).
 
-          All single women are desperate. Not the case at all.
The date on the calendar doesn’t make most single women run screaming to their ovulation sticks. In fact, in my experience, it can make them a little ‘anti-men’. I’ve seen some serious ‘girls nights out’ taking place on valentines; think extraordinarily loud renditions of ‘I will survive’, and slut dropping to ‘single ladies’.
You would have to be a very brave man to approach them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say ‘Just don’t’.
 
-          Women should wear red/lacy/uncomfortable underwear. Why???
To ‘please my man??’. WTF is all this about? Why do we women have to strut about in ghastly stripper shoes, and a synthetic red thong to be aesthetically pleasing to our men? And yet they get away with a pair of baggy skidders and a dirty smile?
How about this…if your man buys you some ‘sexy’ underwear this year, agree to wear it on the condition that HE dresses up for YOU too. Tell him you’ve got a thing about Fireman Sam, or even better….Darth Vader. That should get you out of it.
Or, if he does agree, at least you’ll get a cracking laugh out of it.
 
-          Romantic music is a must. That all depends really. A bit of Sade, or perhaps some stevie Wonder is okay, but the line should be drawn at Lionel Richie. In fact, anything that’s too cheesy and farcicle makes me want to spit out my wine.
That means NO overly sexy RnB ‘Oooohhh yeaaaayy. I wanna lay yooouu down babbbyyy. Put your bodddyyy on myyy body’.
No Barry White, and.... 100000% NO performances. I don’t care if you can sing or not. Put your.guitar. down. Immediately. You are not Ed Sheeran – even if you were, I would be cringing like a mofo.
              So there you have it.
Enjoy your day whatever (or whoever) you may be doing. If nothing else, at least it’s Friday.
x

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